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COUNTING [18 Jun 2007|06:13am]
[ mood | sad ]

calories, pounds
weight, fat.
Counting the times 
I was ridiculed 
Counting the days 
I haven't eaten
Counting the times
I was beaten
Counting the days
Until I am thin enough
Counting the days
Into infinity 
because the hate for myself,
I want to starve it away.
Counting on counting on nothing.
Because THIN will never be thin enough
Until I stop counting.

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[15 Jun 2007|02:49pm]
   Yesteray was horredous.  REALLY horrendous.  I fasted all day until about 6 pm then had some ground meat tomatosauce concoction and a piece of wheat brea with BUTTER.  that wasn't good though I also then had 3 spoonfuls of chocolate mousse,   Then seeing how I went through 48!! laxatives in the last 9 days, i had to go to the store to get some.  I ate 6 stuffed grape leaves an a handful of praline pecans an a couple grapes I bought at the store with the 2 boxes of exlax.  Yeah I am sick.  I came home an just cried and cried with my husband.  I was so upset with myself.  I have been bingeing and purging for like 5 days straight and my weight is still 136.  I want 133 back!! I want 107 ultimately.  I don't think I can keep going like that.  I took 7 exlax last night an was up most of the night shitting my brains out.  (yeah TMI but true).  Today has been good so far. coffee an diet tea all day.  Nothing.  I feel empty and good right now.  I am getting to the point where I hate foo totally.  absolutely it is my enemy I can't enjoy it, I always feel sick afterwards.  I am a shithead really.  But today is a new day and tomorrow I hope will be the same.    
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[13 Jun 2007|07:21am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

  I am a fucking fat piggy.   I ate last tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, and motherfucking saturday.  Fasted all day sunday, ate fucking twice on monday.  I am up 6 fucking pounds.  139.5 at the doctors.  I was 133 last monday I believe.  I feel so disgusting and fat right now.  I have used like 40 laxatives this WEEEEEK.  shit.  I tried last night to eat healthy.  Chicken breast and veggies baked in a no fat soy sesame ginger dressing and those tofu noodles that are like 60 cals for the WHOLE package.  then I ate 3 graham crackers, fucking smarties and m+m's  I am a piece of shit.  FELT like shit afterwards too.  NEW PLAN: 

Coffee in the AM
ROCKSTAR or some other energy drink to keep me going. I know like 180 cals but if it keeps me from eating, awesome.

WAY MORE excercise.  lots of walking etc.  Can't so situps because of the hernias.
I gotta get into the 120's by the end of the month.  fat sow.

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[07 Jun 2007|10:21pm]
 The last few days have been rough.  Just rough.  I have had flippin birthday cake yesterday then outback like 1/2 dinner thheeeen taco bell half a crunchwrap.  Then to cap it all off in the last 2 days I have had seriously had like 4 people aske me if I am ok and Have I been eating???   The flippin lady I take care of was having her snack, and she offered some to me and I said no thanks, I have tummy trouble and she says "you say that everyday"  this coming from the lady who can't remember my name half the time.  SHIT.  anyway.  pigged out today too.  Grapes and cherries, and then rest of my outcrack crackhouse steak and tater.  FUCK ME RUNNIN.   I was 133 the other day now tonight 135  fucking hog I am .  I am going to fast after today for   at least 3 days.  fuck this.
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[06 Jun 2007|07:04am]
    I fasted for almost three days, then ate some dinner last night.  two pieces of shishkabob, a few bites of rice some salad 2 bites of the soup.  gave rest of soup and salad to my daughter.  Then all hell broke loose .  I made nachos with triscuit, which was cheese salsa and sour cream. ugggghhh  felt so sick.  theeeeeennnnn I had apple and peanut butter, theeeeennnn in the middle of the night I woke up and shoved honeycomb cereal down my throat.   IIICCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK .  I took laxatives and they are working, but not quick enough.  GGGAAAHHH.  Yesterday i was 133 today I am sure it is higher but haven't weighed in yet.  UUUCCCCKK anyway today is a new day.
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[01 Jun 2007|07:11am]

  So Wednesday didn't end as well as it should have and yesterday was a DISASTER.   I started feeling not so good wednesday evening.  I was really feeling the lack of any nutrients.  SO Hubby and I went to a SOUL FOOD place and I ate, and ate and ate.  Felt soooooo illllllllllllll.   I took like 4 lax, then today so stressed and upset, and I had :

ASSLOAD of fruit watermelon cantelope cherries and grapes
ASSLoad of sun chips
2 cookies
more sunchips
a fucking doublecheeseburger and some fries
a little bit of iced coffee but it sucked so I didn't drink much
some puff pastry crispy things.

   I am a fucking fatass loser!!!!!!!!

and weighed myself and I was fucking 136
haven't weighed myself yet today and DON'T want to but i will
so today is a new day!!!


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[30 May 2007|08:21am]
[ mood | pleased ]

So I made it through day 3!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't "hungry" last night but my body was telling me to eat though  didn't want to and I stuck it out and went to bed.  So I haven't eaten since late saturday night-very early sunday morning, and tomorrow s work where there are loads of crap but I think I can do it!!   KNOW I CAN DO IT!!!!

haven't weighed myself today but last night  wwas hovering around 134....I haven't weighed that since I was like 12!!!


My new mantra

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[29 May 2007|08:45am]
  Day 3 of fast.

I did so well yesterday I did NOT cave and have memorial day food.

I didn't cave late at night like I usually do.

I woke up with a headache today though, and the kids having a terrible morning.

I will not eat today.


136  haven't weighed myself yet today.

I will get there.  Last night I saw hipbones when I was standing up!!!! I was so excited and to see the curve between the ribs and the hipbones.  Even with my horrid skin I saw the bones!!! YAY YAY YAY!!!

No food today or tomorrow or thursday or who knows??

If I can get past today I am allllll goooood!!!!

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[28 May 2007|04:43pm]

Day two of fast

coffee, diet green tea, cigarettes.

GOTTA make it to day 3 and avoid all the stuff I made for memorial day picnic.

Nothing for me but DRIIIIINNNNKKKKKSSSSS and not alcohol.

136 today!!!!! down from 140 yesterday

Gotta stick with it or I will bump right back up there.

GOAL :  100??  maybe not sure yet.

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[30 Jan 2005|05:52pm]
I have so far put a fat load of nothing on this journal. But now I am thinking about switching this one out from my other lj name. Gotta see about that one....
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